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Discipline: What Works?NOTICE: The following posts are taken from the Christian ADHD Alternative Treatment List. The names, e-mail addresses and locations of all parties involved have been removed to protect their privacy. The posts have been used with permission, but are copyrighted by ADHD of the Christian Kind. Just wondering how you have managed disciplining children with ADHD?? I have found my colourful child to be harder than all my other 5 put together!! I have just bought 1-2-3 Magic Effective Discipline for 2-12 by Phelan and Schonour. They are easy reading books and look like they will be really good. I just need some new strategies to help me cope when it gets tough, which is at least 3-4 times a day!!! And that's a good day!! For your own coping stratigies. I use prayer. The power of prayerful meditation has gotten me through many trials in my life. Even if I don't have time for quiet prayer. I can do it on the run so to speak. and it works. As for discipline... well you have the best strategy I know: 1,2,3 Magic. It stops the circle of arguments. It stops the loop of whatever. Even now if I say "ONE" they know to back of if there is any hope in this life time to get what they are asking for. That said I always state my thoughts my reasons etc. But you do it once and give them time to comply, then count one...two. and if by three they are not doing as requested or needed then you put in time out. Older teens you would have to find a different solution equlivent to a time out. Anyway it worked for me in short order and if I am distracted they can still get me in a loop but when I become aware it is a loop or circle I break it by counting "ONE" I never need to say or do more; it is done. when I started this it took less than a week or so to get to two. with in a couple of months I was down to ONE. Done. and I did it alone... hubby didn't agree... but now he sees it works so occasionally he also Says one, two, etc. LOL The main thing is to FOLLOW THROUGH and be consistent. It does and will work.Don't ask me why, but it works on other peoples kids, too. I have no problem with other kids that others have problems with. I simply let them know it is not done that way in my house or with me. School trips, etc. They listen. They may not like it but once you have it down you can apply it accross the board. You can always use a time out in a school trip setting but you can make them walk with you and only you and if young enough you can make them hold your hand. It doesn't take long and they know they can't get away with things with you. 1-2-3 Magic is a great start. It teaches parents that calmness, being in control, and setting boundaries are all so important. One of the challenges for those of us with ADHD ourselves is keeping on top of the children in the first place. At least it is for me. Sometimes I just don't see the behaviors until they have been going on for awhile. Then the children are out of control. I have to work very hard to stay on top of what is going on with all of my children, even if I am busy around the house (or working on the computer). Here are some tips for when you need to correct your child:
The biggest revelation I have learned over the years is staying calm and not allowing anger to take over. These kids seem to push us to the edge every day. In the past, I have verbally and emotionally attacked my children in anger when they have done the same thing over and over and over, or they have done something new but just as thoughtless day after day after day when I am totally worn down. When I just get worn down like this, I would lose patience or the ability to keep myself under control (I never really lose this ability, just lack the character to keep myself under control when pushed this far). Sometimes I get so discouraged that I sort of give up, or just let things go for a few days because I have no energy left. These are all normal reactions to these high-maintenance children. When your children seem to be the most out of control is when they need your positive attention the most. Make cookies together, go shopping together (with the child as the center of the trip, not a tag-along), go for a walk, read a story together. Definitely talk to them about whatever they are interested in. This is the hardest part. We get so tired of dealing with them every day, every moment of every day, and we don't have anything left over sometimes. I understand. Hope some of this helps. I am still learning so much after being a parent for 27 years and definitely do not have all the answers. Oh my................your letter moved me to tears!! Wow, I haven't had such wise, warm, godly counsel like that in a LONG time!!! I will be printing out and putting your kind words in my Bible. What you wrote is so true. I think I have years of hurt, frustration, tiredness, bad habits etc that need putting to rest. I am not an unforgiving person at all, quite the contrary, but I think being an emotional person, I wear my heart on my sleeve constantly, and therefore discipline in like manner. Flying into a rage doesn't help, shouting and yelling doesn't help, yet at times I have left things until that's how I respond. I know that when I have stopped and used a quiet voice, it changes the atmosphere almost immediately. Actually when you think about it, you cannot have arguements when you use a quiet soft voice. I am only into the first chapter of the 1-2-3 Magic book, and it is great. My hubby is reading his Teacher edition at the same time and commented on parents who yell and scream at there children are just having an adult tantrum!! Eeek, I hid my head in shame. I need to unlearn my old ways, and relearn some new godly ways. My eldest son is in his 20's and my youngest 5. I have noticed that I have lost patience and stamina over the years, but that is just no excuse at all. I agree, prayer is always number 1. Either in quiet time or on the run. We have never used anything like Magic 1-2-3 because we have always seen parents misuse this type of system. They either don't follow through, or follow through in such a negative manner that we fail to see how it works. The parents usuallly wind up doing what they wanted the child to do, or the child goes dashing off on the count of 3 and nothing gets done. For us and our older children (which now has trickled down to the younger--the youngest is 9) we ask "What fits the crime?" "Man don't work? Man don't eat". Works great on kitchen/dog duty. For other things: Abuse/don't put away video/tv/DVD--loose them. I am known to take the DVD/video/CD and put it in "Mom's hiding spot" which always changes. It is amazing how much they don't "miss it". When the children do miss it, which I have seen go up to a week, they say "Mom, have you seen.....?" I reply "Where did you last see it?" "Well, I last saw it ...." Then I reply "Well if you put it where it belonged then that is where you will find it." Usually they figure it out that they didn't put it back and now I confiscated it so they'll ask when will I return it. That depends on how serious the infraction. Messy rooms: Hide the 30gal garbage bags when Mom cleans! Only I now make them fill the bags and put the bags in a storage spot. You see tears forming or hear them say under their breath something to the order of "If I would have put it away I wouldn't be loosing it." How they try to bargain too!! That one is the hardest discipline for me to carry through with but it really works. Our rule for a clean bedroom: Since I have problems with my feet, I have to be able to walk anywhere in their room with the lights off and not step on something. They all have small bedrooms so it basically means the path from the door to the bed and dresser should be clutter free. Also, it should take no more the 5 mins to find something in your room. This is the compromise I am learning to make (I have some "messies" in my family and I am a "neatie") 1-2-3 Magic is published by Parent Magic. www.parentmagic.com Don't be put off by the word magic. It's not about sorcery or anything like that. They use the word to show it apparently works, like magic. Meaning you see a BIg result! I knew you prayed. Just thought a reminder that it can be your best defense for stress and coping, and I use mine all the time too. So I understand. Consistency seems to be the key with these kids. I am not the kind of person who does exactly the same thing each day at the same time. Far from it. Consistancy is also making sure you follow through on things so they don't learn they can get away with it if they put you off long enough. Or can work around you. 1,2, 3 magic is great for that. It stops the cycle and it is soooo easy to implement that you can follow through for a short time and then they get it. You don't have to use everything in the book. Take what you feel you can make work for you and use it. Pare it down to what works for you. Just make sure you follow through and remember to use it. My kids today know if they argue with me or pester to get something and I say One, if they continue it won't happen in this life. Because when they were little if they pestered and I said no and it continued and I got to three, it was done and I would not change my mind ever and I let them know it. After a while you don't have to carry it out; they know to stop. So I can go back to being a bit more relaxed. They already know. So cool. Just don't let them know I've relaxed. LOL They may use it against me. LOL Besides it helps them to make good decissions for themselves which ultimately is what we want them to do. |
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