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Child Struggling, School, What to Do?NOTICE: The following posts are taken from the Christian ADHD List. The names, e-mail addresses and locations of all parties involved have been removed to protect their privacy. The posts have been used with permission, but are copyrighted by ADHD of the Christian Kind. My son has been on treatment for 3 years now. He is going to be 12 this fall. He seems to have gotten moody and his meds don't seem to be helping wit his ADD. He can't finish a (load the dishwasher) chore without being reminded 2 or 3 times and it is like this for everything. He can't focus on Math especially and is having an increasingly tough time with language arts; especially book reports and writing assignments. Any advide?? What does his doctor suggest? I had to switch my son from a stimulant to strattera because the stimulants made him too moody. He probably has an underlying mood issue. Strattera has worked great for him, but I hear that it, too, can cause moodiness in some children. Have you had him re-evaluated recently? It could be the meds need to be adjusted or changed in regards to his moodiness. My son is 10 years old and has a tendency to be lazy. He also has a hard time with Math and reading. What I find is when something seems to hard for him he would rather not try. We let him know it is okay to make mistakes and patiently work with him. (It is not easy I know.) We have to sit with him when doing his homework to guide him along. Otherwise it is too frustrating for him. We try to reassure our son that he can do it. It just may take him a little longer than he would like.Encouragement works best with my son. However for the parent, you get to go back to school all over again year after year. If he has other things going on in his life it is good to have a counselor that he can talk to. I got a call this morning from the parochial school where my almost 6 yo was officially asked to leave kindergarten after a conferance last week. I posted asking about any suggestions as to where to place my son next from other parents who have had similar experiences last week. Well the conversation today was asking when I will take my son pout of theor school. This week or next will be his last days. Teacher said she explained to him that he cannot stay in their class because he does not listen to the teachers and he does not want to do any work what so ever. Teacher felt that he has totally closed down at this point so that telling him that he is out of the school is no longer effective. How far is shutting down at the tender age of almost 6 with adhd ad on adderal xr15mg???? Teacher offered to give me materal for the rest of the year as far as academics but our PHD does NOT approve at all of my home schooling. He feels he needs to be out there in society. What do I do with my son? Where do I place him???? I have asked preschool if they will take him for awhile after he graduated from there last year and the academics would not be like kindergarten for sure however I am wanting him to have structure and routine and learning experiences!!! I can home school for K but for not much more than that. Any suggestions???? Thanks for your help and support in advance. Have you explored the possibility of putting your son in a Montessori school? I would look at changing the med's. My son was constantly getting sent to the principal's office in K, but now that he is on Ritalin 3 x a day, he is doing great in school. By no means is he a perfect angel, but for the most part, behaviorally and academically he is doing great. It wasn't this way before the 3 x a day Ritalin. >>Teacher offered to give me materal for the rest of >>the year as far as >>academics but our PHD does NOT approve at all of my >>home schooling.... I just want to caution you on this decision. PHD - while it does indicate a lot of education - does not mean "I know everything", esp. if they have a bias against homeschooling. I don't intend to be a voice either for or against homeschooling - I firmly believe that homeschooling is a journey that only God can take you into. (As a point of reference, I have homeschooled my 3 sons for most of the last 5 years, but this year, the younger two returned to a Christian school. It has been the best thing I ever did for my son with ADHD). >>He feels he >>needs to be out there in society.. Homeschoolers are NOT isolated. Do you go to church? Is Boy Scouts an option? Have you looked for a homeschool group in your area? Unless you are REALLY rural, you should be able to find a group of homeschool students that you can participate in activities with. Does your son go to the grocery store? Do you have neighbors? The point is . . . unless you hole yourself up in your house and stay there 24/7, your son will be in society - and it is quite likely that peer influence is the last thing your son needs. >> I am wanting him to have structure >>and routine and learning >>experiences!!! Can you provide structure and routine? I will confess - this was my biggest weakness with my ADHD son. I'm horrible at structure and routine. That's why he loves the school so much. However, if you can provide it, you may be very well suited for homeschooling. >> I can home schjool for K but for >>not much more than that.... Why do you think that? I found kindergarten the hardest year to homeschool. Once they learn to read and add, everything else just builds off of that. In kindergarten, he will be completely dependent on you, but after that, each year will bring increasing independence (to whatever degree you want it). Furthermore, there are video curriculums which take the pressure off of you for instruction. Also, I've heard good things about Switched-On Schoolhouse (a computer-based program) for kids with ADHD. Also, what was the nature of the school your son was in - very structured or not so? It may be that if you have another option in parochial education - perhaps one with more structure - that your son would do better. I'm sorry you have been put through this. My feeling is the teacher knows nothing about your son or she wouldn't have gone through such a monologue with him. These kids don't need rejection they need teaching that they can relate to. If the child isn't learning the teacher needs to help come up with ideas - if they are unable to meet his needs, so be it, but to speak to him like that and put the responsibility on his little shoulders.....it makes me mad. (sorry but it does). Shame on that teacher and the faculty involved for their reaction to his differences. Regarding home school - there are ways to get socialization in. There are home school organization that schedule events to get kids together. You could also take him to the preschool like you mentioned for the socialization and home school the Kindergarten curriculum. You could enroll him in a local music/dance or gymnastics class or some sport that lets him get his energy out while being with other kids. Are you thinking about seeing if a different med might work better? Please take the pressure off yourself and your son. You both are learning what works for him and it takes time. I completely agree with Renae. My son tried several drugs until we found the right one for him - he is on Focalin and does great, so maybe consider other drug alternatives. While one drug may work good another may work great. Also I thought I could never homeshool either but I felt a calling from God to do so. This is my first year, it was a challenging start but now we have a routine and my son (9 yrs old by the way) loves it. We use a virtual charter school here in PA that we like sofar. My son also has learning disabilities so I needed something with some support for that. The charter school provides me with a reg ed teacher, a special ed teacher, and an occupation therapist for fine motor delay. A friend of mine uses the Switched-On Schoolhouse for her son and loves it. She says it is convenient, easy to use, and her son actually enjoys it. Another friend selects her own homeschooling material but is in a co-op every week and her son gets music, science, art, pe, and German there once a week (Wednesdays from 9:00 to 2:00). Her son has met a lot of friends there too. Homeschooling has so many alternatives that any child can be schooled at home and I am finding that more and more people are homeschooling. Everywhere I go I meet someone who homeschools, while at the grocery store, at a scrapbooking convention, at church, and at the park! It is just amazing. I also think that sometimes it can be a good thing to reconsider the PHD you are using. Even though he/she may be a good Dr. they may not be the best for you and your child. Each Dr has their own preferences and style. Just my 2cents. In the mean time I am praying for you. Hello _____, I just read your e-mail about virtual (from the Charter School)homeschooling in Pa. How does that work???? I am in NJ, right across the Deleware water gap and my daughter has adhd. I am looking for another program other than the one I have. Thanks for your info. I am so sorry about your son being asked to leave school. As I've previously posted, my son has also been asked to leave several schools (and he's only 5). I know you stated that your phd is against homeschooling, but I've got to tell you that it has greatly improved my son's attitude and temperament (we've also changed his diet so that has helped too). I know a lot of people are against homeschooling because of "lack of socialization", but this simply is not true. Children develop at different stages for walking, talking, etc. so why not for socialization too? My husband and i concluded that perhaps our son just wasn't ready for an environment with lots of children, as he does get distracted VERY easily. My son doesn't lack socialization skills, he simply gets very over-stimulated with a lot going on around him which then hinders his ability to concentrate and learn. At home I have control over the external stimuli (which is minimal at best) and I can guide him in the right direction when he becomes agitated, frustrated or angry. I also believe the Lord was telling me to homeschool my child since every school we were sending him too was rejecting him. Since he's been home things are a lot more calm and my son is flourishing. You should really consider the homeschooling route, it's easier than most people think and there are lots of resources (including your local public school) that can guide you. I need your prayers and some advice. As I have said before. My son has had much anxiety about school. He has had 4 snow days and today was his first day back. Last night he started crying about school. And saying he hates it. And that he want to be a baby again. We have a 4 year old and a 10 month old. So we sent him to bed at the same time that our 10 month old went to bed. We said that if you want to be a baby then you need to go to bed when the baby does. Our counselor said if he wants to do that then there are rules. No talking, no walking. No playing with your toys. Things like that. Anyhow, this morning he started crying the moment he woke up. He hated school, that he wants to be home. I called my pastor for advice but here was none that he could offer me. Because my son needed a professional. I just prayed and prayed and asked my son if I could pray for him. And he let me. Then he was ok until I actually had to leave. Then he started again. But I said that his choice was to go to school happy or to go to school crying and your day would be sad. but that staying home was not an option. When I dropped him off his special ed teacher was there and he cried and hung on to the car. And then the door. And then he told her to shut up. It was all so painful. I do not understand what is going on. He loved school before his hospitalization. So it is either the medicine or he really got the lie that he does not like school so imbedded that he believes it. I did call school after I dropped him off. and they said that he was ok. But the thing is, he can not win. He has to go to school. My morning was so stressful. I believe that God's words , Your life is not your own , are so true. I think about those words often. I know that God has a plan for his future. And that it is a big one. I told my son that God may use him just like he used David. I am not discouraged, just tired. I just would like prayer to get us through this journey. I SO sympathize with you. My 8 year old used to do the same thing at the first of this school year. He would start crying when he woke up not wanting to go to school and then refuse to get out of the car, scratch his own face, it was HORRIBLE. But you are so right, you have to MAKE him GO! That is so important. My son was always fine after I left. It is a power thing I believe. He loves school now that his meds are working....praise GOD for that! He also gets baptized tonight. PTL! I know firsthand how hard this is...but it WILL get better. Hi! I will pray for you. My son is 7 and in the first grade. He hates school. He never wants to go, he wants to be homeschooled. (I can not do this-I am a single mom and work full time) He holds me and has to be pried from me to go to school when I bring him. It is so hard. He has adhd and is now on concerta and having many more good days. Now I have my mom bring him and this helps alot, because he was already separated from me. Before the concerta and when I took him 90 % of the days were bad. Now it's about 20%. Maybe you could drive him but he could walk in with a friend or you could carpool with a neighbor who could drive and you could pickup. I know this may be hard since it is hard to leave these kids with others. Also if my son has a great day he gets to take the bus home which he loves. I hope it gets better. What a wonderful thing. Your son is being baptized. What a blessing. Thank you for encouraging me. I know that it is just a season. And that the winter will soon be over.!@ May I suggest a book that might help. The Five Love Languages of Children, by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell, MD. Love is a foundation and many people do not express love in the way that their child needs to be loved. This is a Christian author and written to help families communicate better. Chapter one starts off with a story about a troubled eight year old that is having problems in school and at home and seems to be almost antisocial. As you read it is discovered that a few minor changes in the family's routine was causing most of the struggles (and you know how important a routine is to a ADHD person). By learning how to love the child the way that they need to be loved to feel secure and have that feeling of being loved was the key to a happier family/school life for all involved. We personally put into practice our sons love language techniques and he has improved so much. The book also includes chapters on Single Parent Families and Love languages in Marriage. Not sure if it will help but I always say it is worth trying. My son used to go through very similar behaviors, and I just reassured him that I loved him but firmly dropped him off (it's hard when they're hanging on the car door! Been there, done that, too). It was hard, but eventually, he got into a routine and now there are no complaints. I know you said your son used to go to school without crying before his hospitalization, and since he has had four snow days, his behavior in part was probably due to a disruption in his routine. Maybe, too, he feels insecure about himself since his hopitalization. The routine eventually will help him, though. I will pray that Blayne will love school again and affirm in Jesus' name that he can and will make it in the building with less stress. God bless you and know we are all praying. That is wonderful that your son is being baptized. All the testimonials about our children and how they used to behave as opposed to how they behave now is so encouraging, too. God is so good, and he does uphold us through the tough times and blesses our children. There were so many times I wondered about the future for my child. My son would look in the mirror at 18 months old and spit at himself. He used to bang his head. He would start a fight the moment the safety guards (children) tried to open his door to help him out. I was swimming in trouble up to my chin everyday, but God always kept my nose above water, and things have improved. God gives me hope that no matter what the "experts" say, my child will grow up to be a happy, healthy, good man who loves the Lord and lives a productive life. Things will get better. Hang in there. AMEN!!!! God has chosen our children and us for , such a time as this. Hi, I'm replying to this most encourageing e-mail. Bless you for sharing . I feel soo good knowing you all are all looking ahead and not back. As I read everyone's struggle I do not feel alone. I am a single parent of a nine year old son. He has been diagnozed with ADD and a processing learning disability. He started Special Ed for language arts and reading this year and took Metadate CD for two months and then decided that he did not have ADD and was not taking his medicine. I struggled for two months and then made an appointment with a counselor at our hospital where I will bring up that he is not taking his meds. He was doing better in school on the medicine. Since he stopped he is OK in school and home but he is not doing his homework. He says he just doesn't care. I know I have to keep fighting and making sure he gets it done, but I am tired. I feel for all of you!!!. I thank God every day for giving us some of the answers that we have prayed for!! His medication, behavior mods, strict routine seem to be doing wonders...with everything except for he he very antisocial!! I am concerned that he will alienate himself from the other children and become an outcast. He does not understand why other children do not think and act as he does. I know God will show me the answer in time. I am praying for you as well Becky. We thought about homeschooling our son...he felt that way in the first grade as well. That is what made us decide to get help!!! Keeping him home and isolating him may not be the best option. He needs to interract with peers and learn to cope in different situations if he is to learn and grow to be a productive member of society. Baby steps. Give him small things to focus on during the day...rreward him for each of the things he is able to focus on...Do not punish for thing he is not able to focus on (unless he deliberately disobeys...you will know when this happens) this is working wonders for my 7 year old My son is eight, and I'm a single mom, too. It is tiring to feel all alone at times; then I remember God who led me to this group and to caring therapists with a group who would accept what I could pay. My ex stopped paying child support for a year; my son was acting out even more because his dad told him I was evil; there was a month when I couldn't pay the utilities; my mom, who suffers from depression, and my sister, who is bi-polar, both needed my help; and I'm probably going to have to file for bankruptcy. I still feel ashamed that somehow I haven't managed to do more for my family, and I feel guilty for not being able to pay bills. I do the best I can, and with each small success of my son's, I literally get down on the ground and thank the Lord. I've always been a shy, introverted person, but God has done what I couldn't in so many ways: put my mom and sister in places where they receive support; worked in my ex's heart to modify his behavior around my son; given me friends who love me and in the past, covered my class when the school called to say my son had to be picked upafter a meltdown; given me the courage to overcome my shyness to advocate for my child; and courage to discipline him when sometimes it broke my heart to do it. A list of my trials and my thanks would each take a book. I just know that God loves us, and as so many of the wonderful parents at this site have said, he has a special plan for our children and it is one for good. I pray that the Lord Jesus Christ will sustain you and that he will work in your son's heart and mind to encourage him to complete homework. Please pray for my son, too, that he not be discouraged in writing or in memorizing his multiplication tables. Thank you. I do believe that our children will be the inventors, the creative writers, the builders of the future. my son used to tear everything apart, out of curiosity sometimes and sometimes out of anger. Guess what? He is now putting things back together--objects and situations. God is good. oh laura. **********that is cumputer tears. You are a blessing. Thank you for the encouragement. Adn I pray that you would never be ashamed. Gods hand walks us through all of our trails with his hand in ours. And I pray that Your spirit is strengthened. Amen! They could be the next presidents. Or maybe even couselors who work with children, who are stuggleing with Emotions. God never wastes our past.Bless you :) I know my son could certainly relate to those children. The opportunities, just as with any child, are endless. Amen. Thank you for your prayers. That brings me to tears, that there are people out there who are spiritually holding my hand. Your hands are in mine, too, and of course, in the Lord's. Thank you. My son went through a period when he was very easily angered by others and tried to distance himself. He still doesn't know exactly how to behave with his peers or get attention in an appropriate way, but he now wants to be liked and he is doing better at it. I will pray that your son will find friends who will love him and accept him and that he will feel the same. I really sympathize with you; it sounds like you really have alot on your plate. I want to encourage you that we are here to listen, and not to judge. So speak freely and know we're here for you. :-) As for thinking about bankruptcy, don't feel ashamed. For many, its a relief once its over, because you don't have to worry about which bill will get paid this month, and the others that won't. Before thinking about that, though, there may be other options. I know that in our area, there are agencies that will give you free counselling on managing finances. The main word is "free". If its not, then red flags should raise. I know its a struggle for us to raise these special, challenging kids. But as I've heard it here before, God puts these kids with us because He knows that WE are the ones who can give them the special love and care they need and deserve. HE chose YOU to take care of HIS child. HE chose YOU because He KNOWS you CAN. Now, think about how special that makes you. I can't quote the verse, but think of the sparrow that God provides for. Surely, you are His child, He'll provide for you,too. And if that includes counselling, bankruptcy, what ever, He will provide a way. :-) Thank you for your kind words. I hope I didn't upset anyone here with my admission regarding my debt. I have always been the responsible child and the one who did the right thing. When my mom needed my help and my sister did, even my aunts and uncles expected me to help, although at the time my son's dad had stopped paying child support and my own attorney, to spare my son, was encouraging me to give my son's dad extra time to pay. I didn't even help my mom and sister as much as I should have, and because my son's dad was going to make an issue over my son being around my sister and because she does become abusive, I'm rarely in contact with her now. I never thought growing up that I'd ever find myself in this position. I do feel blessed to have my child. He is, as is your child, dear. I spent over $20,000 on an attorney to get his dad to act right around him. That was an inheiritance from my father, who died three weeks before my son was born. I would do it again and will continue to protect my child (including, trying to teach him compassion for others, disciplining him, and teaching him about the love of our Lord Jesus Christ) no matter what. I've always worked extra jobs, and am grateful to God for them when they happen to be extra sections at school during the work day instead of tutoring on weekends, but I'll do whatever I can. I did scrape together $600 to resolve one debt this month, and I know God will help me either find a way to pay what I owe (consumer credit counseling) or start over. I will always feel deficient, but I do work hard and do the best I can. When my child comes home at the end of the week with no negative marks on his checksheet, when he spends his time with his daddy building a homemade robot instead of listening to angry rages, when he plays well with friends, then it is all worthwhile. And when I get to feeling too guilty, I remind myself that my poor credit for the next seven years no matter what happens is a punishment. I'm paying my debt to society, and had excellent credit for the years previous to the divorce. Obviously, I feel the need to explain and complain when I need to just hush and get with the program. Enough about me. You are a dear person, and I appreciate your kind words. I will be praying for all of our children, and I will do it with a great sense of gratitude for the gifts, that as you noted, God entrusted to us. God bless your son. We took our son off of his meds when school started back. He has been off of them since Christmas break started. He has already gotten in trouble, and one teacher said he was totally distracted while in her class. We don't see any difference in him at home when he takes the meds, but the teachers say they do. We know there are herbal alternatives. Has anyone tried anything that works? He stutters very profoundly, too. I know a lot of his problem is a habit of making poor choices. I took my son off meds several years ago... it can be a trying time, and you have to work hard to win the support of your child's teachers. But stay strong on your decision and keep all lines of communication open with the school and your child's doctor. Cover your child and his teachers in prayer every day! Right now you have several things working against you... first, it can take several weeks, months, and even years for the full effect of the medication to wear off. My son suffered from hallucinations and nightmares while on medication... it was three years off the medication before they finally subsided... so be patient if he suffers from some side effects in the meantime. Second, if you start some herbal alternatives, it can take several weeks before you notice an improvement because it takes time for those to build up in your son's system. Keep this in mind, becuase you won't see an immediate difference. Have you talked to your son's teachers about taking him off the med's? If you haven't, you should consider meeting with his teacher's and school counselor and put some plans in place for your son if he starts to exhibit problem behaviors. Here again, you have to stay strong, because they can try to persuade you to put him back on the meds... but if you are strongly against the meds, then you need to state that and let them know that you are seeking some alternative treatments and you would appreciate their support! Know your rights... I think most states have adopted laws that say that schools cannot refuse to educate your child because you choose not to medicate... do some checking around on this and be prepared to tell the school you know your rights and you would appreciate that they respect them. Don't go into the meeting ready to fight, but be prepared to stand your ground! Lastly, here are some of the herbal things I have tried that have worked the best... you can talk with a nutritionist at most health food stores to get the right dosing, but if you still need some help, let me know!
Also, I put my son on a high-protien diet and the teacher's noticed almost instantly a difference in his attention span. The easiest way to do this is to fix eggs for breakfast and then peanut butter sandwhiches for a mid-morning/mid-afternoon snack. I have also sent baggies of peanuts to school for him to snack on during the day. But I have found the key to surviving ADHD without meds is to keep the child involved in the "program". Talk to him about thd difficulties he has at school. Ask him why he thinks he has those problems. Encourage him in positive ways to work harder and do better. Reward the successes (even the smallest ones), and avoid becoming too negative when he falls short! I hope this helps some, and feel free to email anytime if you have other questions/need support during this difficult time... I will keep you, your son, and his teachers in my prayers! Thanks for your encouragement. Our son was saved Dec 1. I am sure satan is tempting him at every turn. I have thought about sitting down with him every morning to pray with him about school. I am a teacher in the district and have such little respect for those teachers who make horrible comments about students. These children get condemned before they have a chance. Thanks for your prayers. This is a trying time and only God knows what is truly going on inside our son. Praying with your son is awesome! I did that every morning when I dropped my son off two years ago... I also encouraged him to pray during the day when he felt like things were starting to get away from him. He's in 5th grade now... and praying with mom isn't necessarily the "coolest" thing to do, so I have let go of that, but do continue to encourage him in prayer! I pray with my 8 year old in the van on the way to school. It helps to keep it short to keep her attention. It seems to work well this way. |
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