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Anxiety in Children - Pushing ActivitiesNOTICE: The following posts are taken from the Christian ADHD List discussions. The names, e-mail addresses and locations of all parties involved have been removed to protect their privacy. The posts have been used with permission, but are copyrighted by ADHD of the Christian Kind. I as just wondering what to do about a problem my son is having. It is really nothing new. It's just that he is getting older and I am getting more frustrated. He is 7 years old and suffers from depression, anxiety, and SID. He does very well in comfortable situations. But the minute you put him in a situation where he is expected to perform or Compete he shuts down. Right now the problem is basketball and a school program. He says he is absolutely not doing the program at school. He says there will be too many people watching. I am just saying "Let's just wait and see after all the practicing." We have till mid Feb for that. The biggest problem right now is basketball. He will not participate at all. The first practice, he was so excited. But when we walked in and saw all the boys, he just took off out the door. After lots of pleading, I got him back in to at least sit and watch. He hid his face for most of the time and then watched and seemed to enjoy. Then the next practice, we made sure we were the first ones there. He participated well that time until the coach blew the whistle at him for traveling. Then he just ran to my husband crying. That was it. He has not participated again. At the first game, he wouldn't even sit with his team. I told him that all he had to do was stay with his team whether he played or not. He would sit then come to me or my husband. I would send him back and he would just cry and hide. This is just so hard. It doesn't matter how much or how we discipline him you can't make him do this. The fear of performing this type of thing is greater than the fear of the punishment. My husband wants to let him quit. He says that Gunter shouldn't have to be humiliated like that. But I have always thought that you make them finish the season. I dread every practice and every game. He hurts so bad which tears me up. But how will he ever learn to compete? In a couple years he will have to at PE and such. Any advice? He loves basketball and wants to participate so bad but is just terrified. I'm not experienced in this area yet as my kids are very small, but I just wanted to offer my encouragement to you to follow your heart as parents on this. Sports can be a very wonderful activity to engage in, but unfortunately in our culture everything is so competition-oriented from day one. I'm not against competitive sports and at some point in life, yes, we all need to learn how this works, but at age 7 the a child should be able to play basketball just to have fun. He is obviously uncomfortable and this is not a positive experience for him right now - I would definetly advise you to NOT force or push him to participate in any way, shape or form - he is clearly afraid and needs your support as parents to protect him and be his stability. Since he's only 7, he has his whole life ahead of him to play sports on a team if he wants to - if you push him to do this I would think it would only do more harm and add to his anxiety and depression. I totally understand your frustration and sadness with this - we wish so much that our kids could enjoy things like this as it seems like such a(dare I say it?) "normal" thing to do...but as we all know, our lives look much different than those who don't have children with these disorders - there is nothing wrong with trying something out like you did with him and encouraging him to see how it goes, keeping a postive attitude about it and cheering him on, but if it doesn't work out we as parents have to be ready to accept that as well. It just appears that it's not time yet, that's all. In the meantime, I was wondering if there are any alternatives you could seek out for him - if he enjoys basketball as a game, there are plenty of ways and places for him to participate in a more supportive atmosphere that is sensitive to his feelings and needs right now. Even a friendly game between just family or neighborhood kids can provide a chance for him to practice his skills and enjoy shooting hoops. Does the YMCA or other facility have a less competitive-type team where there is more informal playing for fun and less focus on a formal game? How about your church? Ask the Lord to show you some creative ways to provide him the chance to enjoy basketball if he wants to play. Even though he is very young, most of his peers that age are probably already caught up in the competitive spirit because that's how our culture portrays things - he might enjoy playing more with kids just a bit younger than him or perhaps you could round up some people of various ages to have fun playing together for fun. Many homeschool families do this on a regular basis from what I've heard - kids of all ages play together so they can learn together and there is less emphasis on winning and skill mastery at such a young age and the environment is much more friendly for them to learn rules, etc...as they are ready to. I hope I didn't ramble too long and I'm no expert on the topic, but I do believe strongly in the fact that we are our children's only advocates and we must do what's best for them no matter how different it may look to others. All kids grow and mature at different paces, and when they have to deal with ADHD, SI, or other disorders as well, it is even more of a reason to be sensitive that they develop on a much different timetable than other kids. Hang in there and keep supporting your son - it is not only the right thing to do, but you will see the results in the longrun, I have no doubt. God bless you and I'll be praying for you :). I fully agree with _____. I understand wanting your child to finish the season, but in this case, I think it would add to the stress he is feeling. It may also keep him from trying new things in the future if he thought he couldn't try something and then feel heard when he expressed that it wasn't for him. I learned this the hard way with my son. I pushed him for years in a sport because I felt that he needed to be doing "something." I ended our families stress this fall and let him pick what he wanted to play. Turns out he loved iceskating lessons, which is a very vigorous activity and skill oriented, but non-competitive. Who knew? Did you say that your son was diagnosed with anxiety disorder? I can't remember ... mine has been and I am looking for suggestions to help him overcome the PANIC he gets over every little thing. I found it odd that he was given the anxiety disorder diagnosis at the same time as the adhd and nothing is being done with that. It seems to me that if he weren't so anxious, he could focus better! Any thoughts on that? My son suffers from anxiety, depression, and SID. His doctor initially tried to give him the diagnosis of adhd which I would not accept because I knew he was mainly anxious. He only was wild after a stressful day or in stressful situations. He had a wonderful attention span. He does have a hard time focusing on reading at times though. Anyway, at one point the doctor persuaded me to try the adhd approach but that med made him wilder and more anxious than ever. We went right back to his antidepressant/antianxiety meds. My son cannot focus at all when he is in stressed mode. I can talk to him and he looks right through me. He hears nothing but his fear!!! He goes through times where he handles things pretty well and then times like now where he can't handle things at all, but I think he is in need of some med adjustments. Anyway, what I am saying is that when the anxiety is being handled the symptoms that are adhd-like are minimal. At least for my son. Now for my younger son it is a different story. He is adhd. My ds is not quite 7 and we have similar difficulties. He has just begun to attend school (I homeschooled him to this point because I didn't feel he could handle school). He is only there for an hour and a half or so each day and has an EA with him the whole time. He is so entertaining to us but when confronted by a group he turns into a different child. I guess the way I view it is that as an adult we would not expect a person who was shy to perform so why do we ask it of our children? At 7 he still has a rather large portion of his life to live and maybe his anxiety will lessen with age and maturity or maybe his love of the game will win out over the anxiety. It would be a shame for him to give up forever because of this bad experience so maybe backing off is best. That being said I'm sure you can tell when there's the quitter's attitude kicking in or when he's just not quite ready. it's a judgement call. Sometimes I am so focussed on the future that I forget my little guy is just that. School has been a classic example for me that timing is everything. When he's ready he flourishes, when he's not it's a HUGE battle and to me not worth the scars! >>> He is only there for an hour and a half or so each day and has an EA with him the whole time.<<< How is he there for only an hour and half each day? Is this a special program. I would love for my kids to go to a part time school. We had a program here for 2 days a week but it folded. Thanks _____. I told him today that he doesn't have to go back to basketball. He seemed relieved. I'm curious to see if this will ease some of the extra anxiety he has been showing lately. I was talking to him a few minutes ago and he was singing to his favorite CD. He asked me if he could have a guitar. That might be something he could be interested in. I've heard that alot of performers are extremely shy until they get on stage. Who Knows but I am going to feel him out some more and see if this could be something more than a whim. ©Copyright 2006 by ADHD of the Christian Kind. |
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