ADHD of the Christian Kind - Spanking: Does it Work with ADHD Children?

Spanking: Does It Work with ADHD Children?

NOTICE: The following posts are taken from the Christian ADHD Alternative Treatment List. The names, e-mail addresses and locations of all parties involved have been removed to protect their privacy. The posts have been used with permission, but are copyrighted by ADHD of the Christian Kind.

Just a comment on spanking, it always worked for me when I was a kid, but my son...honestly it never has seemed to phase him. In fact, I've almost wondered if I would have to resort to something very physical (which I of course would not do) to punish him. I've heard lots of parents of ADDers comment that spankings don't work, they don't seem to phase the child. Seems it's that way more with males than females (I'm a female and it worked for me). Also it seems it may be who is administering the spanking. My dad only spanked me once in my life with his hand and after that he only had to speak and I obeyed. When my mom gaves spankings I behaved but always did the same thing over again (so how well did they really work anyway). When my husband spanks my son, it seems to get his attention. Mine seem to not phase him in the least.

Just so all of you know, I am very pro spanking and believe it is biblical to spank, not beat. However, I am just commenting on my son's reactions to it. Taking away priveleges has always helped better with him than spanking. Believe me, I've done both, and I've done the spankings according to all the books, with love and talk after, etc.

We also remove our children to another room until they calm down, then go in to talk with them about the behavior, the goal being to help them understand why it was wrong, and even to get at what the big feeling was all about in the first place, so that they can understand how to deal with it the next time around. Then we distribute the appropriate natural/logical consequence for the behavior AND require that they make restitution for their act. This can be a note or a card to the other person, doing something kind for that person, helping them out with something, etc. This helps them to have a part in making it right and, I think, empowers them to try to internalize the good feeling in doing the right thing. This works with both our almost 6 yo ADHD son and our 4 yo daughter.

The kids' school (a therapeutic school) has encouraged us to use this method, as well as my son's psychotherapist (he meets with him 5x/week before school). So far its been very effective and very conscience building. We personally choose not to spank anymore. Let me just say this. I believe that there are some children who should not be spanked (like I've heard said already) and some parents who should not spank. We fall into that category. But, much like the medication issue for ADHD, I think the "whether or not" issues have to be made by the family, to determine what is right for that family. I would never tell someone they must not spank, just as I would hope noone would tell me that I must, although I do respect others' input.

"I have found that my 23 month old responds much better to a time out in his crib than to any type of spanking. I just don't know what i will do once he can climb out of crib! He will never sit still for any period of time."

That is exactly what I have had problems with in my children. Now my almost 3yo will sit in time out, but my 5yo ADHHHHD son won't. He can't sit still that long.

I will make them sit near me in a chair and keep a very close eye on them if they are what I consider is "out of control". I tell them they can get up when they think they can control themselves. This reassures them that I think they can control themselves and gives them a time to calm down. I don't do this for very long because they really cannot sit still with nothing to do: boredom seems to be my ADHD children's worst enemy (my 8.5yo even tells me that sometimes when he is acting up).

"Would you share what you have learned about the circumstances under which parents should not spank their children (I can surmise it has to do with abuse)? I think it would be good to discuss spanking guidelines, attitudes and results.

I personally have had to relearn spanking after being taught as a new Christian that spanking was to be used to change a child's attitude and the parent was to spank until they saw repentance (won't happen with an ADHD child, at least not mine).

I agree that many ADHD kids will not respond to spanking, but I have a theory on why this is. Many ADHD kids are so very misunderstood for too long (my oldest especially). They get in trouble for things that they can't help, and even after parents understand the diagnosis, it is sometimes hard to tell what they can help and what they can't help.

So, the child tends to get defensive about getting in trouble anyway, and therefore doesn't take the lesson to heart. Spanking at this point only grows resentment. "Fathers do not provoke your children to anger...." comes to mind here.

Anyway, this leads to Oppositional Defiant Disorder, IMHO. The pain and misunderstanding create resentment.

Plus, each kid's temperament is very different. Some respond well enough to a harsh look, or reproving words. Others need a swat to get their attention. Perhaps, there is a time where the spanking needs to continue to bring remorse, but I would be very careful that you are not really just using the action to vent anger. I think that if a couple of swats haven't done the job, then more swats, or more severe swats are not going to do it either.

We spank for defiance or blatant disobedience. I do NOT think you should spank for childish misbehavior and goof-ups. However, a rude look at a parent could require a spanking. It's all in the judgement of the time and the event.

I'm also uncomfortable with spanking kids as they get older. Do not get me wrong, I have still spanked my teenage daughter, but I think withdrawal of privileges works better in this age group. When she is blatantly rude or defiant, though, I'll still smack her (on the butt, with a spoon or fly swatter). However, I am uncomfortable with my husband doing that, now that she is bigger. Am I alone in this? There is just something that I am afraid will translate into a bad marriage relationship or something. I can't pin it down. My dh agrees with me, but we haven't really defined our reasoning. A little help out there???

My son never responded to spanking when he was younger. I tried spanking according to guidelines I read in Christian childrearing books. (Always spank with an inanimate object, not hand, hug afterwards and ask why he was spanked, etc.). My son just did not seem to be phased by spanking. It was like, OK, that's over with, now I'll get back to what I was doing. The comment on spanking is supposed to bring repentence I had never heard before. After thinking of it I can see why spanking did not work for my son. He just does not understand there should be consequences for his wrongdoing. Timeouts and taking away privileges, toys, always worked best with him.

I found a book at the library that had step by step ways to deal with reward and punishment. It was the best I've ever read. I wish I would have had it when David was alot younger. At 11 I don't deal with the same behaviors as when he was smaller. The hyperness has decreased a great deal. The book is Power Parenting for Children with ADD/ADHD by Grad L. Flick, Ph.D. He had alot of practical ways to discipline (he never used this word, only used the word punishment) and ways to handle homework (another subject alot of us have discussed). Not being a Christian author he does not approve of spanking, but since it never worked for my kid, I was interested in his methods. I felt they were great and would have worked with my son. I definately believe in spanking. I'm not saying not to do it. I was spanked plenty as a kid.

Some things he mentioned (mostly to do with time out):

Have a place for timeout:

Some place where child does not get attention from others and nothing is around. He mentioned using a bathroom with the door partially open but I can see all kinds of things a kid can get into there. However, it's good for those kids who use I gotta go to the bathroom, to get out of time out.

How to measure time in timeout:

He suggested using a kitchen timer. It is objective and does not forget how long the child has been in. It cannot be manipulated to get out and cannot be coerced into getting out sooner.

What to do while in time out:

Do not lecture the child while in time out. this makes it ineffective as the child is now getting "attention" for being in time out. Any pleas or requests from the child while in time out should be ignored (unless they are in danger).

Thought I'd share some of this with you guys.

"Would you share what you have learned about the circumstances under which parents should not spank their children (I can surmise it has to do with abuse)? I think it would be good to discuss spanking guidelines, attitudes and results."

Yes, abuse is what I am referring to, and I even read Dr. Dobson say somewhere that parents who have difficulty with this area should probably not spank. Not sure where, but its in one of my books and I could probably find it. I personally have trouble not letting my anger get in the way, even when I was doing my "darndest" to follow the Biblical spanking approach. I have always had trouble with anger management myself, along with having ADD, though I'm sure the two go hand in hand. On top of that, my husband was physically abused as a child.

Regardless of all of that baggage, we have confidence and peace with our decision not to spank our children. We have not "thrown the baby out with the bath water" -- we do discipline and correct our children, we require respect and obedience, and have found effective ways of accomplishing this without spanking. We've managed to become a much calmer and patient environment for us--for which I am so grateful. Much of what we have learned has come from our childrens' school (and son's psychoanalyst, whom we also meet with, who is a Christian). The school is not a Christian school, but one of its main goals is conscience building, in through which we at home weave in Christ's teachings as well.

We are all going to have different ideas, and I think the saddest thing to do is to have a "my way is right and your way is wrong" attitude about an issue like spanking, or medicating, etc. I've just tried to ask God's will for my family and go from there. I hope my comments haven't offended anyone who chooses to spank, because I sure haven't meant to.

"Yes, abuse is what I am referring to, and I even read Dr. Dobson say somewhere that parents who have difficulty with this area should probably not spank."

I am so glad you brought this up. I would have to agree with you that it is better not to spank if there is uncontrollable anger and the possibility of abuse. It seems there is a connection between ADD and anger, and even adults are going to have difficulty controlling themselves while chastising.

Thanks for making me think about this. I am going to share this with my dh and discuss our backgrounds (we were both disciplined harshly and suffered emotional abuse as children) to see if we need to make some decisions about spanking in our house.

I agree with the statement many adhd children are misunderstood. People automatically blame my son and accuse him of being a "bad" kid just because he's add. I am in the process of putting a stop to this. It really bugs me that he is blamed even when he isn't the instigator. I have begun pointing out that a lot of the other kids are just as wild. Sorry for preaching, but I feel strongly about this.

On the subject of spanking. We also spank for direct disobedience, mouthing off, and disrespect. _____ will respond well to a slap for being mouthy, but doesn't generally respond to a swat on the behind. _____ is our youngest son, he is not add, and one swat on the behind and he acts like the world has come to an end. Spanking is very effective for him.

We have a few guidelines for spanking. First we always use our hand, this way we know how hard we have spanked. Secondly we do not spank when we are very angry, it is to easy to lose control when tempers are running high. We also do not hesitate to spank in public, we have found that if we wait it is less effective. If the boys need a spanking when we are out it is a trip to the ladies room for them. By the way sometimes all I have to do is say cut it out or we're going to the ladies room an they fall into line. They are now old enough that the ladies room embarrasses them.